(-- "Am I Ashamed of My Child or of Myself?"... CONTINUED --)

I also came to the conclusion that we raised Adam with love, warmth and discipline and if that was wrong, then so be it. I would do it just that way again, given the chance. He has always been and still is a blessing in our life.

Still, I admit I felt a lot of shame. Why did I feel shame? As a mother, especially a dyed in the wool southern mother, I have always taken pride in how I take care of my family. I go to much effort to see that their lives are in order at home. I was always there when the bus arrived from school and even took them to school every morning to keep them from having to get up so early.

I am a prideful mother and that was why shame was so overwhelming. Maybe appearances were more important to me than I thought. I wanted people to know that I was a good mother. I always felt that the care and respect I gave to my children was a reflection on my children and myself. I wanted my children growing up remembering how hard I tried to do the best for them. I was sure that once everyone found out Adam was gay, everything I had done would have been for naught. I would just look like a failure.

I did not want to be ashamed of my child. It was painful to think that I was having those feelings. I knew that I was ashamed of how he would be looked at and talked about. That he would be considered, at the very least, socially unacceptable. I was ashamed at how my family would be perceived. That hurt my pride and made me angry. Why should we have to go through this? Why should I feel such shame? Why did I care so much about what others thought?

I was so obsessed at how other people would see me or think of me, I forgot about Adam. I realized that I was not taking his feelings into consideration.

That was a turning point. I knew then I had placed my pride over the love of my child. I knew I had to stop thinking about how this affected me and begin trying to understand what Adam had gone through.

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